i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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