i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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