she looked like the before picture.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
