oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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