I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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