I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She is in my trunk
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
