i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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