Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
