Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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