I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
