i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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