I hate your face
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
