I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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