Moan for me like Helen Keller
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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