I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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