He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
