Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
