i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize