Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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