I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
