Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize