i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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