We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
