Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
