my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
