Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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