I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
