I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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