I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
