you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't turn off my feet"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize