I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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