I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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