It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize