What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
