You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
