I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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