this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
