if you like me you must not know who I am
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
