I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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