So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
