my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
