Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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