I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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