once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
