I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
