eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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