I smell stomach acid.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
