either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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