I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
