I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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