I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
