how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
