Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
