When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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