from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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